Ivy's Thoughts

HOLA MIS AMIGOS!

2010-05-14T20:01:00.000-07:00

HOLA!

it's been quite awhile since i've written, almost a year! i had a bit of trouble deciding whether or not to pick it back up, but i've obviously chosen to do so. i apologize for the abandonment. School was all consuming this year, not to mention other things i had going on. i am now a semester closer to graduating! it's bittersweet. several friends have graduated recently, and it feels odd to still be in the same mode i've been in while they will begin their careers. i'm not complaining too much though because i'm gonna miss college tremendously.

onto the other EXCITING news.

i am leaving for...

MEXICO

in 3 days!!!

i've been counting down the days since March, and i can't believe it is almost here.

i'll be sure to post pics when i get arrive back on U.S. soil

p.s. it's nice to be back to blogging again :)

BUENOS NOCHES!

a song and a story

2009-08-13T09:19:00.000-07:00

"A Short Short Story Perhaps"

You took my heart in your hand on that day that screamed to be spring but was still whispering winter. I wrote a poem about us in class thinking I'd show you later that day. Instead, I left a note on your car wishing you to have a great day. Perhaps I should've told you then, I guess it's too bad I didn't, or maybe too good. I can't decide. I'm somewhat in the same predicament at the moment, but now the heat is swelling from the ground and the days are never ending until I see you again. Maybe I should find that poem I wrote ages ago when all this was still fresh and post that on your car this time. I wonder what you'd say and the reaction you'd give. Would you walk away or do what I see only in my dreams with your arms? Open them as I step in to the embrace I have hidden in my thoughts for ages. I never thought it would come to this, but I suppose it was now or never. I walk up to your porch now, and before I knock, I turn to see the last days of summer wave goodbye into another season and I walk in your door not looking back.

++++++++++++++++++++++

on a side note, i love this song and thought i'd share it with you today :)

king rat by modest mouse

buenos dias mis amigos

time in a bottle

2009-07-27T19:14:00.000-07:00

all summer that i've been in cookeville, i've found myself driving through campus, downtown and other destinations that i have occupied through the past three years. i try to form all of the memories i have of these places in a nice, neat little package all together, but it's impossible. there are simply too many memories that rush back to me. i have learned some hard lessons, i have grown into someone more independent, yet i'm still growing. i believe that never has to end, the learning part at least. i have gone from being somewhat of a loner to meeting some of my best friends. i love them all to pieces. i have laughed, cried, been afraid and been deliriously happy.

it's been one of the best experiences of my life so far, if not the best.

buenos noches!! :)

i hate math

2009-07-27T10:14:00.000-07:00

i was reading about the Most Lucrative Degrees online today, and nowhere in that article does English come up. it's all about math. i hate math. i have never been good at it. and then on the other hand, i start to hope that maybe one day i will write a bestselling novel and then i won't have to worry about having a lucrative job, but what if that never happens? maybe i should start designing a nice cardboard box and finding an okay place to put it. i'll have my books and pen and paper with me, so why not? my mind just doesn't work very well mathematically...

"side by side"

2009-07-20T22:03:00.000-07:00

a very very short story I wrote inspired by the song "Never say Never" by the Fray

hope you enjoy :)

"Side by Side"

I always thought I was like a bland character in your favorite novel, but on that winter day, I remember I used my polaroid. I only used my polaroid on rare occasions, and you, my dear, were a rare occasion. Somehow, I believed I opened a door to your heart on that day. I stepped in, you saw me, and I became the main character in your life. I had that photo of you and me framed where I could see it when I opened my eyes in the morning and closed them at night. In the past we would go without talking for months at a time, but things always remained as they were when we picked up where we left off. We held that smile when things were crumbling around us, and I begged you to just talk to me. You were always there, holding tightly to the bond we shared through the years. You couldn't ever say never, even though maybe at times we should have.

Years later, in our separate lives, I think of you and wonder who you are now. I always knew you'd be there in those times. I imagine you in your new life, and I hope you're happy. The photo in the frame is tucked away in a drawer, and on occasion, I'll slip it out when no one is looking and smile at who we were back then. Just two beings, in the present, never thinking about the future; refusing to. Being side by side, all we wanted was right beside us in that moment.

lion's mane

2009-07-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

Iron and Wine "Lion's Mane"

this song is great. my 2 favorite lines in it are:

"the earth is warmer when you laugh"

and

"love is the best sensation waiting in the lion's mane."

but all of it is superb so you should

listen and enjoy :)

buenos noches

p.s. i really miss my family...i love you all so much

a select few

2009-07-16T23:01:00.000-07:00

here are a select few poems i've written over the past few years. some of the feelings i had in the poems have completely changed, some are exactly the same.

enjoy :)

7-26-06

You fade in and out when you reach for

air. Fingers tremble at an

unfamiliar pace where I cannot

remember. Discarding days like a fool, what

pray tell will we do? A heart's

remembrance may not be enough, but it's all

I can recall. A new tide has

turned, memories are my ever present stain.

It's blasphemy to say I will

forget.

1/14/06

Frozen in time

Now melting and stepping forward

Thoughts dance in my head

I tell them to stop, as melodies spring forth and

carry me away.

11/22/05

There's no shame in curiosity, and

no end to destinations. So how

must I settle in this place? There are

precautions to take, but

unthinkable choices at the last moment. Escaping

this massacre is laughable when there's

no where to hide.

Constant question marks are left upon

my face. I will not know the answer until the

morrow, but I pray 'tis alright.

hold your head up high

2009-07-12T01:10:00.000-07:00

just a song by oasis and poem i wrote. hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Hold up

Hold on

Don't be scared,

You'll never change what's been and gone

May your smile, (may your smile)

Shine on, (shine on)

Don't be scared, (don't be scared)

Your destiny may keep you warm,

'Cause all of the stars,

Have faded away

Just try not to worry,

You'll see them someday,

Take what you need,

And be on your way and

Stop crying your heart out

Get up, (get up)

Come on, (come on)

Why you scared? (I'm not scared)

You'll never change what's been and gone

'Cause all of the stars,

Have faded away

Just try not to worry,

You'll see them some day,

Take what you need,

And be on your way and

Stop crying your heart out

'Cause all of the stars,

Have faded away

Just try not to worry,

You'll see them someday.

Just take what you need,

And be on your way and

Stop crying your heart out

We're all of the stars,

We're fading away.

Just try not to worry,

You'll see us someday.

Just take what you need,

And be on your way and

Stop crying your heart out...

-Oasis "stop crying your heart out"

and

Revolving Circles

What a revolving circle

as you sit and stare

while others go by.

Grasping onto the past and

what could've been, yet

cemented into reality as it is now.

I stand and ponder on

the thoughts that go on

in your mind, and

I weep inside for you.

If only you could see

what to me you mean.

I close my eyes and beg God

to show you.

another late night ranting

2009-07-08T00:08:00.000-07:00

i've mentioned my addiction to diet coke, but i don't believe i've explained it fully.

i know it's silly, it's just a drink i like, but honestly, if i go a day without it, i'm crazy. i crave it, and yes, you can say i'm an addict for diet coke :)

case in point: i haven't had a diet coke in about a day. it's 2 a.m. i should've gone to bed awhile ago, but being me, i tend to sneak in a few more minutes (or hours) more than i should with my nose in a book. and all the sudden, i start thinking about the cold silver can waiting for me downstairs in the fridge. i've patiently waited for the right opportunity to open it since it's my last can, and today didn't seem like the right time. but for some reason at 2 a.m. i find myself getting up from bed to be downstairs sipping on my diet coke.

this is bad.

i put it back, i'll save it for tomorrow.

unfortunately, at this very moment, i'm having to beg myself not to just give in and go downstairs to claim all of it.

i'll look forward to the morning when i can finally take the sweet sips i'm wishing i could take now. :)

hehe

goodnight :)

p.s. here's a song and band that i've recently begun listening to. i really like them, this song is good and the lead singer/guitarist isn't too sore on the eyes either ;)

Great Lake Swimmers- "Your Rocky Spine"

i'm a time traveler

2009-07-05T22:52:00.000-07:00

inspired by the book The Time Traveler

often i feel i'm a time traveler.

i disappear into one world and grow into another.

i'm like two bodies submerged into one.

i have one name with opposite meanings depending on the day.

on occasion, i believe i've found someone to travel with,

and then i'll turn my head and they'll be replaced.

as i climb up the mountains, i set my feet on the ground;

as i venture onto the plateau, i set my mind to a different tune

and begin to fly.

these roads can lead to unexpected turns,

i may be frozen but still marching forward to

unexpected lands, and

when i see you, my lips

sting with the words that have been traveling with

me through all time.

possession

2009-07-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

"What is it? My dear?"

"Ah, how can we bear it?"

"Bear what?"

"This. For so short a time. How can we sleep this time away?"

"We can be quiet together, and pretend-since it is only the beginning-that we have all the time in the world."

"And every day we shall have less. And then none."

"Would you rather, therefore, have had nothing at all?"

"No. This is where I've always been coming to. Since my time began. And when I go away from here, this will be the mid-point, to which everything ran, before, and from which everything will run. But now, my love, we are here, we are now, and those other times are running elsewhere."

-A.S. Byatt, Possession

i love these lines. they say so much without having to say much at all.

happy 4th of july

lost

2009-07-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

this song has been on repeat in my car pretty much this whole week.

Lost! by Coldplay

my favorite lyric is

"You might be a big fish In a little pond Doesn't mean you've won 'Cause a long may come A bigger one"

i have run into people like this a lot lately, and i'm not trying to be mean, but i wish i could point this line out to some of them.

after i got off work yesterday, i met my good friend rachel at Thomas Andrew's for dinner, i hadn't seen her since may when school got out so it was so good to see her. we then preceded to meet abby and other friends rachel and erica to see My Sister's Keeper. it was good, bring some tissues if you go see it though. we ended up at my apartment at the end of the night before she had to leave. here are some moments we captured on camera. :)

i just had to share

2009-06-30T23:48:00.000-07:00

one of the greatest songs and lyrics.

buenos noches

blue skies mostly

2009-06-29T11:22:00.000-07:00

right now i'm at work and at this moment this is what i would like more than anything: to be sitting on the edge of the pool i go to in morristown with a nice cold diet coke with lots of ice and to be reading my awesome book, The Time Traveler's Wife. soak up some sun for me while i have to be indoors for much of the day :)

and if you can't tell from this post...

i miss home and my family...

buenos tardes :)

laughter is the best medicine

2009-06-28T12:55:00.000-07:00

one of the things i love most is hearing the sound of laughter. not the quiet chuckle, but the loud, boisterous laughter that goes along with feeling free. when i hear this from the people i love, my heart rejoices.

you always remain

2009-06-24T23:23:00.000-07:00

i stand corrected from one of my previous posts- "favorites".

i do have a favorite band, and i'm not ashamed to say they are my favorite above all because they are just that good.

Radiohead.

they have influenced me so much, and they have been with me through the past 7 years. going through many changes, they always have stood beside me with a song i could connect with in any stage so far.

++++++

"you always remain" by: me :)

traveling through the mazes of time, i

appear as you

fade into the background.

searching amongst the clouds for

fear the sun will

prove a different story.

i make my own

path and leave the

antiques that were precious to

us behind with the

memories i

bury under my bed.

here today, gone

tomorrow.

i rack my brain and attempt to

fill my shelves with new items, but

you always remain.

mute, maybe. stone still, perhaps.

i doubt there's any turning back at this point,

we will always be facing the coming years with questions.

is it possible to hold steady while

the world crumbles around us?

my mind is a blank sheet

just waiting for the answers.

i search behind the clouds again and will

myself to gaze into the sun promising to

be with you in the

past, present and future, even if

i'm standing alone.

"are you still growing?"

2009-06-22T18:32:00.000-07:00

while at work today, we were all outside and i was sitting on one of the picnic tables along with a couple little girls, about the age of seven. one of them kept asking me questions, and i patiently answered them. well, she knows i'm older and one of the instructors, but she looked at me and in all seriousness asked me

"are you still growing?"

normally i think this would offend me, but i busted out laughing. since day 1 at that job, the little kids have commented on my size. i'm barely 5'1" and petite. many of them make me feel like a shrimp, being taller than me. i just thought it was so funny and adorable.

i went to the new food lion grocery store today, and i have to admit i got a bit excited when i went inside. it's so nice. does that make me weird that that got me excited? hmm...little things often do for me anyway.

please continue to keep the lemings and sextons in your prayers. i believe i forgot to mention that my friend's brother and my friend's mom's (the one that passed away) son was on American Idol season 7-Josiah Leming

do any of you recognize him? that is my friend andy's brother. crazy, huh? anyhow, just keep them in your thoughts please. i think one of the worst things is seeing people you care about go through something difficult, especially in this case. it really breaks my heart.

i've been reading The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger and it is soo good. i highly recommend it.

well, i guess i'll say my goodbyes for now.

buenos noches

there are many things that i'd like to say to you, but i don't know how

2009-06-20T20:21:00.000-07:00

favorites

2009-06-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

it's so hard for me to pick out a favorite for anything because to me, "favorite" not only means best, but it means final answer. i have many favoriteS, but i don't like secluding the others and saying one thing is my favorite or the best. see what i mean? for example, i have favorite books, favorite songs, favorite places, etc. i guess you could call me indecisive when it comes down to it.

anyway,

i wanted to name a few of my favorites for y'all:

favorite books: The Catcher in the Rye and To Kill a Mockingbird

favorite songs: True Love Waits by Radiohead and Shiver by Coldplay and i have too many to name on this one topic...

favorite bands: Radiohead, Coldplay, Ryan Adams, Smashing Pumpkins, The Verve and again too many, i can't pick just one, this is so hard

favorite sunglasses: aviators

favorite times of day: afternoon and after the sun goes down before darkness overtakes night

favorite places: the back porch at my parent's house, the public library, the beach, the mountains

favorite thing to say to people i care about: i love you

what are some of your favorites? can you name just one?

buenos tardes

i love you mama!

2009-06-19T19:13:00.000-07:00

today has been very emotional. my friend's mom's funeral was tonight. it was nice, but very sad; i just hate seeing people i care about suffer, especially like this, and it's difficult to see him and his family go through what they have to deal with. however, it's a blessing to know that she is at peace now. we will miss you mrs. sharon leming.

on the subject of mothers, my mom's birthday is today. happy birthday mama, i love you so much! you are one of my heroes, you're beautiful, loyal, caring, loving, patient. you've shown me what it means to be strong, and i hope i can be half the person you are.

buenos noches my dears :)

on my heart

2009-06-16T22:19:00.000-07:00

ever since i listened to "stay" by little big town, thanks to nicole, :) i haven't been able to get enough of them. another song i especially love by them is "Bring It On Home"

you can listen to it here

and the lyrics are awesome, it seems like it's meant for a lover, but to me, i think it can be for friends too. makes me grateful for the people in my life that i can depend on and that i can "bring it on home" to

p.s. please continue to keep the lemings and sextons in your thoughts and prayers

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here
You got willing arms that'll hold you tight
A hand to lead you on through the night right here
I know your heart can get all tangled up inside
But don't you keep it to yourself

[Chorus:]
When your long day is over
And you can barely drag your feet
The weight of the world is on your shoulders
I know what you need
Bring it on home to me

You know I know you like the back of my hand
But did you know I'm gonna do all that I can right here
I'm gonna lie with you till you fall asleep
When the morning comes I'm still gonna be right here (yes I am)
So take your worries and just drop them at the door
Baby leave it all behind

[Chorus]

Baby let me be your safe harbor
Don't let the water come and carry you away

[Chorus]

You got someone here wants to make it alright
Someone who loves you more than life right here

hm

2009-06-16T18:54:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry i've been so absent from the blog world lately. i got some pretty upsetting news tonight. one of my dearest friend's mother passed away this afternoon. she'd had a long battle with cancer, so please keep her in your thoughts and prayers. you can find her blog here:

sharon

for now, i'm pretty speechless. i just keep thinking about how his mom and my dad are in heaven now.

i love you Lemings and Sextons.

buenos noches

way too excited

2009-06-13T13:25:00.000-07:00

OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH

I'MSOOOOOOEXCITEDD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

can you tell?

guess where i'm going tomorrow? i'll give ya a guess, it's in Nashville and it has to do with music...yup, the CMA Music Festival!!! i can't wait. i'm going with my friend liz and her parents, she's the friend i went to the beach with over spring break. she told me they got 4 tickets for free, isn't that awesome? there was a big gap in my life where i didn't listen to country music, but when i was younger i did all the time and just this year, i've really gotten into it more. i mean come on, i have to like it. i have lived in mississippi, alabama and tennessee! a few of the country music stars i'll see tomorrow are miranda lambert, montgomery gentry, taylor swift, kenny chesney plus more. i'm sure i'll have lots of stories to tell between now and then :) have a great day and i love you all woohoo!!!!! :)

lalala

2009-06-11T21:17:00.000-07:00

i've had a good week so far.

been with friends pretty much every night

kids fill up my afternoons, and i'm really enjoying it for the most part. i always look forward to seeing them and having them talk to me. there's always a new story to tell :) some of the little girls are so sweet. they run up to me and give me hugs when they see me. they'll say things like "i want miss ivy to sit by me.." i am looking forward to the weekend though. it's been a long week.

buenos noches

i guess i'm part country too

2009-06-09T08:01:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a whirl-wind of a day. i have to sit back and sigh at everything that happened. not only did it involve work, but it included the emergency room as well. let me start at the beginning. when i got to work, i was escorted to where the 1st grade girls were playing outside and told i would be with them unless otherwise noticed. for about the first hour while being with them, my hand was held, i was smiled back at, told i was pretty, told i had pretty hair, hugged and so on. what girl doesn't like that? i was eating it up, i have to admit.

unfortunately, the rest of my day wasn't spent with them. but that's okay. i was moved to a room with 4th-6th grade girls. they were nice, just different, and if you have been around this age group, you know what i'm talking about. nevertheless, my first day was great. the atmosphere is very laid back. they spend a high majority of the day outside, and while inside, their day consists of games, computers, listening to music and eating lunch. at the end of the day, it seemed as if the 8 hours i was there went by much faster than what i had assumed it would.

i left my cell phone in my car, and when i checked it after i got off work, i had several missed calls and a voicemail from my roommate and best friend, abby. i checked the message, and after hearing it, i immediately called her back, then i tried calling her mom, finally i got ahold of her boyfriend. in her message, she informed me that she had just left the infirmary (our college's dr.'s office) and was on her way to the emergency room. she had tested positive for mono. i had spoken with her the previous day, and she told me she hadn't felt well all weekend, but no one assumed it would be that. after i talked to her boyfriend, i rushed to the e.r. where a couple of her friends were already gathered. her mom was on her way (it's a 2.5 hour drive from morristown to cookeville). we took turns going in to see her, and i drove her back here to our apartment where her mom met us when she arrived.

at the present moment, i am sitting alone in my apartment. abby just left about an hour ago with her mom for home to get rest. the doctors said really there's nothing you can do when you have mono, all you can do is rest and take tylenol. no activity or sunlight is encouraged. i hope she feels better. i'm a little sad for having to live alone for awhile, but things happen and life hardly ever results the way you had things planned, so i'm not too worried about it. i just hope she gets to feeling well soon. :)

i go to work at 3, so i have a little while before i have to leave. there's no telling what kind of adventures this day will hold. one funny thing i have to share: i was sitting with a few of the 1st grade girls outside yesterday, and they were talking about where they came from, etc. many of them said "i'm part irish," part ....", etc well, one of the girls turned to me and said as clear as day, "i'm part irish and part country." hahahahaha i had to turn my face and hold my laughter in. that is something i will never forget. i guess i'm kinda part country too now that i think about it. haha wow i just can't get over that. kids say the darnest things, haha

hope everyone has a great day

buenos dias mis amigos

kids

2009-06-08T22:32:00.000-07:00

new job:

i probably couldn't have asked for a better first day, and i have a feeling that it's just going to get better. yayyyy :) i have a few stories to share about the experience. more details later i promise, i am quite exhausted.

buenos noches mis amigos :)

(link to pic at top)

love always remains

2009-06-06T20:37:00.001-07:00

okay it's confession time:

i've been thinking about love...a lot lately.

i fear it yet i long for it, as most everything goes for me. it's interesting to me how we as humans put ourselves out on a limb for it. sometimes, we reach so far that we fall, but we just settle back in and reach for the same thing. other times, we reach and get a grasp, never having to let go. whatever the circumstance, we crave this mysterious thing that brings us together, and makes this world go round. i'm pretty satisfied with who i am and where i am right now, but i look forward to one day telling someone that i love him :)

tryingtocontainmyself

2009-06-05T08:22:00.001-07:00

at this very moment that i'm writing this i can barely contain my excitement because...

GOT

THE

JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm so so so so so excited, i'm so happy!

i'm not even gonna lie,

as soon as i walked in my door again, i did a little scream of joy hehe

i'm gonna be working with children pre-k up to 6th grade (they haven't assigned me what group yet) but now that i think about it...6th grade? hm..some of them may be taller than me hehehe

it's an after school program that continues in the summer. the lady that hired me even said that i could probably work out a schedule to work in the fall during the school year. so, i think they liked me :) after that, i had to go get my finger printed for a background check. now i'm just waiting on monday to get here. i start at ten on that day.

you see, i'm very excited to have this opportunity because as some of you may have guessed, it's hard for me to get just any job because of my limitations and paralysis in my right arm. i told them i have worked with kids since i was about twelve such as working in vacation bible school, babysitting and i informed them a bit about the possibility of me starting to volunteer for the Mustard Seed Ranch. i assumed i'd have to explain what that was, but they immediately recognized the name and knew the owners, etc. it's kinda crazy how it has all worked out so fastly, and it's somewhat connected.

anyway, enough of that.

i was listening to Lydia on the way to the interview. it's beautiful music, very mellow, indie-ish but after that interview, it was NOT time to be mellow. i quickly took that out, and inserted Radiohead-the bends

song of the day so far is "the bends"

enjoy and buenos tardes :)

please read the letter that I wrote

2009-06-04T21:39:00.000-07:00

have you ever felt like nothing ever happens the way you plan them out to happen? i try not to get too frazzled when this happens, but it's far too easy to do.

anyway

thank you all for the continuous positive feedback, it really makes my day.

i think i ate too many garden salsa sun chips tonight :/

i hope it doesn't result too badly...

abby and i visited The Mustard Seed Ranch tonight rather than next thursday and it was so cool...

there were 5 kids we babysat, all but two had been neglected or abused in some way; it's really sad. however, this special place gives them an opportunity to try and live a different life than what they previously had with loving live in parents. it's such a cool thing, and i look forward to learning more about it. the kids are so loving, one of the little girls (she's four) colored me a picture tonight and she wanted me to write on it "best buddies." it just made my day, it was so precious.

i've been listening to Raising Sand by Robert Plant and Alison Krauss. it's so heartbreakingly beautiful. i love it when i can connect with a song and there are a few songs on that album that do so for me.

gone, gone, gone (done moved on)

let your loss be your lesson

please read the letter

all the other songs are just as awesome, but these have really stuck out to me tonight.

i just want to say again that

i'm so glad i have this blog. it has created for me very nice, positive people (not that i don't have that already, but ya know), positive feedback, it's somewhat of an escape (it's like a whole other world and that's really cool to me), and it encourages me to keep writing, so thank you all for everything :)

buenos noches mis amigos

i woke up and it was summer

2009-06-03T14:13:00.000-07:00

another great, sunny day! :)

abby and i laid out in the sun for a couple hours today

at 3:40 we sped off to sonic

this morning, one of the ladies in charge of hiring at my *possible* new job called and i have an interview friday

at 9 am

yay :)

hmm....

being in cookeville for the summer is such a different environment for me than what my usual summers consist of. usually it's being in morristown surrounded by family. it's not better or worse, just...strange and different, yet still exciting. know what i mean?

it's something to get used to.

something really cool i might start helping out with in cookeville is this:

Mustard Seed Ranch

last night abby (my roommate) and i went to visit a couple friends and they told us about this place. they have been helping out with it for about 2 months now, and i found it to be a really cool thing and a good opportunity. we're going to check it out next thursday to see if we would be more interested in helping out with it.

with all the strange and different things i have mentioned and even more unmentioned,

i have a feeling this summer might be something to get used to,

not necessarily a bad thing :)

stress level=trying to keep it at bay...

2009-06-02T14:43:00.000-07:00

every single day, i like to put on music that fits my mood.

is that just me or does everyone do that?

what i've been listening to today:

coldplay-"in my place"

i love the last part when it seems like he is begging to be heard "please please please..."

it's a beautiful song.

i have a new obsession: cherry vanilla dr. pepper from sonic at happy hour, now isn't that just fabulous to add to my addiction with diet coke? i think not, but...it could be worse :)

today has been business, business, business. bleh, no fun at all:

my air conditioning decided to stop working again on one of the hottest days of the summer, finally got that fixed today

had to go to the board of education office to get a background check for my job next week

turns out, i have to have another interview before i can get the job-

something i had no idea about!

thus, i technically don't have the job YET, but

please please please

keep me in your thoughts and prayers, i really need this.

after i left that office today, i felt a load of stress and anxiety blanket itself on my shoulders, all nice and snug, only the feeling is very uncomfortable.

i headed in the direction of wal-mart for dish detergent (another non-fun adult activity to add to my list today) and as i got out of the car, i berated myself.

i REFUSE to stress. everything that happens is ultimately out of my hands.

i CANNOT foresee the future, all i can do is hope and pray.

my life is GOOD, and everything will fall into place as it should, even if i don't get that job or if things don't turn out the way i expect them to.

i have little control, therefore the best i can do is live my life and try to be the best person i can be.

buenos tardes mis amigos! i love you all :)

today

2009-05-30T09:04:00.000-07:00

i came back home for the weekend yesterday, am leaving again tomorrow. it's been good to see my family, and it's been a beautiful day :) i've been reading My Antonia and so far i looove it. i love these few lines at the end of chapter 2:

"I was entirely happy. Perhaps we feel like that when we die and become a part of something entire, whether it is sun and air, or goodness and knowledge. At any rate, that is happiness; to be dissolved into something complete and great. When it comes to one, it comes as naturally as sleep."

buenos tardes mis amigos!

on my mind.

2009-05-28T22:44:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting in my apartment, it's late and i have someone weighing heavy on my mind:

my daddy.

i don't mean to make this a sad post, but i fear it may be, so bear with me. i don't wish to say a lot at the present moment about him. i just wanted to share something i wrote a long time ago in memory of him. it's very short, yet very heartfelt. i'm so happy for the the memories i have, and i cherish the years i knew him on earth.

written October 2004

Faint clouds overhead

That leave the tears to form on my face.

Glance out as the rain fades away

And grasp onto life as it is for now.

If I would've known, I'd have begged for longer,

But time slipped through our fingers.

If only we could turn back time,

But the past is gone,

Only sweet memories abide.

So many centuries gone by,

Not a one passed without

A thought of you...

bookworm.

2009-05-28T17:05:00.000-07:00

i am a bookworm, and i'm not ashamed to say it :)

i had a lovely reunion with one of my best friends, tisha, today

we window shopped, drove to sonic at "happy hour" and both got a large cherry vanilla dr. pepper. it's so yummy.

a little while after that, i ventured on over to one of my favorite places:

the public library.

now, let me say, i have been going to the library since i can remember.

i recall walking with my kindergarden class to the library in Columbus, Mississippi, and Mother Goose read to us :)

perhaps that's where my love for books began

or maybe with my mother's encouragement for me to read. she used to read to me every night before i went to bed which is a tradition i wish to carry on to my children.

either way, i love the way words can be formed together so beautifully on a page.

i can't even explain it.

back to today:

i went to the library, and i have to admit i have slacked off on my reading a lot since school has been out, something i don't like to admit, but it happens occasionally.

i got 4 books:

My Antonia by Willa Cather (a classic novel)

Native Guard by Natasha Tretheway (a book of poems)

Atonement by Ian McEwan (a novel...the movie was GREAT, so wanted to read the book)

Flat Belly Diet by Liz Vaccariello (i've heard people talk about this book, so i was curious about it)

if you have any suggestions for further reading that would be wonderful; i'm always looking for more good books to read :)

buenos tardes!

warning: long post

2009-05-28T10:09:00.000-07:00

yesterday was a world wind of a day.

let me start out by saying that i woke up and went about my day at a leisurely pace. rosie and i had fun with my photo booth on my macbook (as you can see from the previous post), went to lay out at the pool with my mom, ran into some old friends from elementary school there, came home after the clouds decided to come in for a visit, and was settled on the couch watching some t.v. when i got a call from the career center in cookeville.

what is the career center?

it's a place that helps people find jobs, you can go there for other things too, but that was my reason for going.

i had my doubts about this place, especially because there were so many applicants, so when the voice on the other end of the line told me i had been accepted for a job, i was speechless. she told me i had to come in for orientation tomorrow (yesterday) at 8:30 a.m. i thanked her, got off the phone and as i was running up the steps to tell my mom,

my head was spinning.

just 5 minutes earlier, i had no job, was completely relaxed on the couch, didn't know when i'd be back in cookeville and was peeling my burnt shoulders. how could this be possible?

i was excited, but let me tell you, i don't adapt to change very well, and when i realized i'd need to go back to cookeville that very day, i was running in circles (not literally) because i had no time to think about it before it was a plan.

maybe i need to shake up some things sometime so i don't freak out all the time, huh?

i do like being spontaneous, so i don't understand why this had me stressed out.

after i packed my bags, i crammed them in my car, put on my bright red sunglasses and drove out of my driveway.

on the 2.5 hour drive, i had a lot of thoughts going on in my mind.

one of them is that old saying that goes something like "you don't know what you have until it's gone."

i think i do a pretty good job at appreciating the here and now, but i want to put it into practice even more.

take this job for example. i'm gonna be working with children at a summer day camp. it only last for 6 weeks, so after that, my job will be up. my first reaction to this was panic. i really need a stable job that doesn't have an end until i need it to end! but after i took a deep breath, i realized that if not for that call yesterday, i would still be searching, still be sitting on the couch not knowing what i had on my plate. and who knows? i might not have had the opportunity to work even less than 6 weeks.

so i wanna be glad for that today.

i wanna appreciate my friends and family more. nothing is forever, i had to learn that at a very young age. but there is something that can be forever:

love.

i wanna keep that in mind and love people for who they are and appreciate them in the present. i never wanna look back and say "i didn't know what i had until it was gone"

je taime :)

photo shoot

2009-05-27T09:18:00.000-07:00

photo shoot on a rainy summer day, rosie and i had fun doing these

here comes the bride

2009-05-26T18:36:00.000-07:00

i've been speechless the past few days, as you can tell from my lack of postings.

one thing i do want to say today though is

Happy 47th Anniversary Mimi and Grandy! (my grandparents)

I love you both so much :)

a late night ranting

2009-05-23T21:02:00.000-07:00

i just want to say i freakin' loooove this band i was introduced to tonight:

Lydia

if you haven't heard of them, stop what you are doing now, look them up and soak into the beautiful music they make. they are amazing. mine and my sister hayley's friend millicent introduced me to them tonight. thank you mill :)

new poem, or you could just call it

"a late night ranting"

the photographs strewn on the floor and the music in my ear

try to creep in my heart but I freeze and hold my breath until it subsides.

the lamp flickers on and off as I pick up where I left off,

I make a note to search for a new bulb, this one has burned all it’s brightness out.

Always is an adjective that frightens me because nothing is ever constant on earth,

so I’ll leave for a new destination. I make promises to myself I can’t keep, but

I'll take this one day at a time. Perhaps one more day,

and I’ll say always to something I believe in.

radiohead...can't get enough

2009-05-22T22:14:00.000-07:00

vintage

2009-05-22T11:37:00.001-07:00

to add to that ebay post, i also listed a vintage dress on etsy

if you are interested, my username is again ivymorgan2009 and it is under prairie looking dress

ebay

2009-05-22T11:00:00.000-07:00

i'm selling 3 items on ebay as of now.

i'm not sure if any of you would be interested in them, but

they are

a vinyl record of Lettermen

awesome green boots size 7 1/2 and

a book about the Upper Cumberlands of Tennessee. (very interesting if you're interested in learning more about that area)

feel free to check them out...

i'm kinda new to this ebay thing,

my username is ivymorgan2009

buenos tardes mis amigos

iron&wine

2009-05-21T20:53:00.000-07:00

been catching up on my favorite blogs...

many of them have been talking about memories

so i want to share a memory.

going to the beach with my family one summer in high school

and listening to iron & wine a good part of the time...

and sitting on the beach with a book in my hand and absorbing what the sand and ocean felt like...

and wearing a big straw hat that was in high fashion then...

and going to bed with sand under the covers...

and feeling the burn on my shoulders...

and talking to my boyfriend back then and telling him how i miss him...

and going to bed with the sheet over my eyes 'cause the t.v. was on...

and listening, learning, watching, feeling...

what i felt back then...

i saw 17 again tonight and it was so good and zac efron is smokin' hawt. so go see it, even only to see him in it haha...but one of the things mentioned in the movie was how when you're in high school and that age when something bad happens, you think it's the end of the world. you have so much sorrow, you feel so much pain, but really it's not the end of the world.

i remember feeling this way so much.

my mom would tell me that everything would be alright and that it indeed wasn't the end of the world.

i went about my business, still in sorrow and eventually getting over whatever was bothering me.

but i think all of us have to go through trials, even after high school, and for the rest of our lives to truly feel happiness when it happens.

buenos noches my dears.

a couple oldies :)

2009-05-20T20:12:00.000-07:00

*NOTE: some of my poems use the word "I" in them. yes, some of them come from personal experience but just as many are from an outsider's point of view. I use first person a lot because I believe it's easier to connect with, and that is how I want my readers to feel. :)

written March 4^th 2008

Inside this chiseled heart is

where you rest.

I run away, but

you’re still abiding there.

At the sound of your voice, all

worry fades away.

It’s replaced with a hope that

someday everything will come back.

"Obsession"

written fall 2007

I know it sounds pitiful, but I drove by his house tonight. I wanted to get out but feared what could’ve happened. I drove off only to end back where I came from. This time I did get out of the car. It was late at night; I knew he had just walked in the door so I was hoping he’d still be up. I slowly eased my way out of the car and took careful steps to his backdoor. The automatic light switched on which surprised me; there was not even a whisper to be heard. As I reached the door, I tugged on the handle. Locked. I didn’t think it would be locked, I thought to myself, but of course he would have locked it behind him so late at night.

I turned around and somehow got back in my car feeling rejected by the locked door. In my dream I had walked up to the door, pushed it open, and then found him waiting for me. At that point we would have looked into each other’s eyes, and he would have slowly walked towards me. Taking my cheek in his hand, he would have moved his lips toward mine.

I drove away berating myself while the reality of the situation took hold.

last night

2009-05-20T06:57:00.000-07:00

"last night"

last night I was spinning backwards and I usually don’t get

dizzy

but it’s been awhile for me. stepping into that zone of

existence

was bewildering. I was staring at something strangely familiar, a

ghost.

I smiled at it, but inside I knew it was just a haunting of

what was.

I sat and talked with it, in my mind I was running in the opposite

direction.

I felt a bit sick, but smiled anyway to cover the mass of

questions I didn’t want answered. Put a quarter in that jukebox and

play

my favorite song, but it played something from days gone by and

I must

clean the dust to remember. I ran for the door, hoping my head would

clear.

I hopped in the car, ignited my engine and sped off, leaving it all

behind.

The apparition didn’t chase me, like I assumed it might so I

embraced

my thoughts once again, looked forward and awoke from that strange

dream.

red fingertips

2009-05-19T16:28:00.000-07:00

rosie and i went to pick strawberries today, and ohmygoodness

they are soooooooo

GOOD.

so good that

i never want another store bought strawberry again.

i was on my hands and knees picking them, and my legs and fingertips became tainted with red. but that's okay, i don't mind getting a little dirty every now and then.

i think we may go back friday;

i'm hoping to get some pictures then.

hayley and i went to the park and swung/talked, then drove around on some back roads.

it's been a good day to say the least.

i lovelovelove spending time with my sisters.

they mean the world to me as i'm sure you can probably tell because

i talk about them all the time :)

anyway

before i go, i have

new poem for y'all

buenos noches amigos

"Routine"

Talking until the sun wears you out and

Shutting the blinds to rest for the next day

Crying your eyes out because you want to understand but

Only shedding a tear on the inside because you’ve said too much

Looking at your reflection and wanting to see someone special

And hoping you’re enough

Listening to that song on repeat that reminds you of that time

You thought this was the beginning of something

Watching that movie that made you open your eyes to the obvious

And becoming thrilled at the prospect of tomorrow

Get a dress out, make up your face, answer that text

All in hopes that somehow you’re feelings won’t be in vain

Is it too much to hope? Do you dare? It’s too late now,

Yesterday’s curiosity is washed down the drain,

Today’s prospect is now in sight.

You just can’t broach the subject of parting ways,

Even if it’s right around the corner.

seventeen.

2009-05-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

my sister hayley is seventeen and a junior in high school.

that age and that year stand out to me like no other.

the time when you're on the brink of being an "adult" and being a senior in high school.

the time when everything is fresh and new.

the time when the days seem like they go on forever and life would always be this way.

at least that's how i remember it.

i want to post some songs about being seventeen, and the first one i know, says sixteen, but it's still one of my favorites and can still relate to the age.

i want to celebrate this age for Hayley, hold on to it as long as you can little sister. i love you :)

jack and diane-john melloncamp

anthems for a seventeen year old girl-broken social scene

seventeen-ladytron

edge of seventeen-stevie knicks (couldn't find a good video for this)

there are tons more i know.

can you think of any?

buenos tardes mis amigas

take me home, country roads

2009-05-18T13:54:00.000-07:00

when i pulled off of the interstate and onto 11-E (the highway that leads me home), i felt a rush of adrenaline.

this is always the case.

i love going home.

i stopped by cardin's drive in and got a peanut butter chocolate milkshake...my favorite :)

i tried to take a picture of it so portray the essence of this place, but my batteries were out on my camera. anyway, it's been there forever, on the side of the highway. just a little hole in the wall place. if you are ever in the knoxville, tn area, look it up and get a milkshake. you won't regret it, plus it's a lot cheaper than some of the chain restaurants. it's soooo yummy :)

i'm sitting on my back porch now. it really suits me, and it's cozy. this is probably my favorite part of my house.

it's neat how there are certain places that capture your heart that you'll never forget. these are just a few of mine.

i smell burgers...i think we are grilling out :)

i've decided to postpone my poem i was talking about a couple posts ago. i apologize, but it's not nearly finished...

buenos tardes

thinking

2009-05-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

i'm still listening to heart of gold...can't seem to get away from that song.

music has always had such a huge influence on me...

anyway, i've been in cookeville this weekend. i went up on friday to talk to the people/fill out applications of the places i called last week. i was gonna leave today, but unfortunately, when i got to the career center to sign something, the woman i needed to see wasn't there.

i was told she'd be back monday, so i decided to stay.

other than that, it's been a nice, relaxing weekend.

i've gotten together with some friends

and just have enjoyed being here when school is out of session for me. :)

i've been thinking a lot about things that i wish i could change or go back and do over again. i have to reprimand myself for that and tell myself that it was a lesson and the only thing i can do now is move forward. and actually, i probably wouldn't go back now. i only hope that everything from that time hasn't been tarnished too much. i don't wanna spill all the details of what i'm referring to, but i hope you can connect somehow. some things in life we learn the hard way, but in some cases, it's the best way to learn them.

buenos noches

p.s. i can't wait to get back home tomorrow. i miss my dear family :) love you all

pretty much antique

2009-05-16T18:34:00.001-07:00

photos that range from 2002-2006 of me and some of my family. enjoy :)

like giants.

2009-05-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

i've been working on a poem that i'm pretty excited about...

kinda hesitant to put it up just yet, wanna make sure i have it all right

but be looking out for it :)

buenos noches

miner for a heart of gold

2009-05-15T17:00:00.000-07:00

this song has been playing in my head and in my cd player in my car for about two days straight. i love the words, they are simple, yet so profound. the guitar and harmonica add to the greatness of the song. love it. i love string instruments, they're my favorite. if i could, i'd probably like to play the violin. when a harmonica is added, it just makes for an awesome sound, so i think. plus, i can connect with the lyrics and i know many of you can also. not saying i'm old at all, but i've definitely been "searchin' for a heart of gold; i've been a miner for a heart of gold."

I wanna live
I wanna give
I've been a miner for a heart of gold

It's these expressions I never give
That keep me searchin' for a heart of gold
And I'm gettin' old

Keeps me searchin' for a heart of gold
And I'm gettin' old.

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean for a heart of gold
I've been in my mind
It's such a fine line
That keeps me searchin' for a heart of gold
And I'm gettin' old

Keeps me searchin' for a heart of gold
And I'm gettin' old

Keep me searchin' for a heart of gold
Ya keep me searchin' and I'm growin' old
Keep me searchin' for a heart of gold
I've been a miner for a heart of gold

big grin.

2009-05-15T16:12:00.000-07:00

first of all, i wanna say i was sooo happy, no giddy actually when i checked my blog this morning and saw that nicole mentioned me in her latest blog!!i was so surprised, it made me feel so good. BIG SHOUT out to her: THANK YOU :)

she asked me to write

7 "awwe-summm" things about myself so here goes :)

1. I had a poem published in an anthology when I was in 4th grade

2. my hair is craazy most of the of the time, it's so curly

3. speaking of my hair, my freshman year in college i dyed the underneath of it black. yeah, i thought it was super awesome back then ha

4. from kindergarden until senior year of high school, i have been the shortest person in my grade. i'm 5'1". there are some shorties like me at TTU though :)

5. i used to live in caledonia, mississippi. it has one red light and last i looked, the population is under 1,000

6. i am the oldest of my cousins, but not surprisingly, the shortest :)

7. i would love to time travel from a little before the civil war and on

she asked me to select 7 lovely ladies to send the lemon award, you're the best award and queen of all things award. this is going to be sooo hard because i love all the blogs i've looked at, but i think i've got it down to 7 :)

thank you so much again nicole for being so sweet

pollyanna.

2009-05-14T10:39:00.000-07:00

Pollyanna was one of my favorite movies as a young girl.

i would watch it, and then reenact what my eyes had just been filled with from the screen.

i didn't realize it then, but thinking back on it, Pollyanna was inspiring to me.

still is today.

she found the positive in every situation.

i wanna be like that more.

memories of the past 3 years compiled into photos

2009-05-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

in no particular order from 2006- spring 2009

so i decided to go through some archives of 2006-present day photos of me and friends/family from my college years so far, hope you enjoy :)

I <3 music

2009-05-13T13:49:00.000-07:00

i love this song

Css-Music is my Boyfriend

ask me questions, i don't want pity.

2009-05-13T11:08:00.000-07:00

i was hesitant to share this for all the world to see simply because i don't want pity. i'm me, ivy, and that's all i've ever been and all i'll ever be. but there is an element to me that is different from others that i've lived with since october 3, 1995. on that day, my father was taking me to school, third grade to be exact, and on the way there, we were involved in a horrible car accident.

my father died.

i was left, barely alive, with my right side paralyzed.

flash forward to now:

i can talk, i can eat, i can walk, i go to school, i drive, i have my own apartment 2 and a half hours from my family, etc. i've found ways to work through my disability. i refuse to let anything stand in my way. i can walk, but i have a slight limp and my right arm is completely paralyzed. through all that though, i firmly believe that i was left here for a purpose, and i'm so glad i was. every day i wake up and have to go through the day as i am, but i'm so glad i was given another opportunity at life.

i have come along way. i had to learn to do everything over again, but i was determined. i'm kinda stubborn, for example, i hate when people tell me i can't do something. i will find a way to do it.

when most people meet me, they don't even notice anything is wrong with me. i've lived this way for so long that i mostly don't notice it anymore. hardly do i ever feel sorry for myself. i have been blessed with family and friends to support me and pray for me, and i'm doing just fine. i've come along way, and i try and look for the good that has come from all this. i miss my father terribly and think of him every day, but i'm so happy for the time we had together. i have so many memories of just the little time i had with him on earth, and i know i will be with him again one day in heaven with our Heavenly Father.

you can ask me questions, but i don't want pity. this road i've traveled has been long and treacherous and it always will be, but i believe i have more to be thankful for than i do to be sorry about.

Philippians 4:11-13 "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me."

true love lives

2009-05-13T10:41:00.000-07:00

since my last post, i've looked at craigslist for jobs in my area and called several places that looked appealing. i'm gonna go back to cookeville this weekend and hopefully can work one of these out. keep your fingers crossed! :)

in the meantime, i've enjoyed relaxing and taking a break from the busy busy busy routine that my life was not so long ago. i took a walk with my youngest sister yesterday and enjoyed the fresh air, sat on my back porch for the majority of the day trying to take in all the beauty that is East Tennessee :)

my best friend abby and i went to work out last night, and we worked out...but we talked a lot more. much to catch up on! i think we might go again tonight.

i worked out with my mom a tiny bit this morning. i got on the elliptical and ohmygoodness

i couldn't do anything else after that.

i went to the social security office to appeal something i got denied...i really hope they accept it this time around. i think it's time to share about that. will do that in my next posting.

on my way home, i was taking back roads (love doing that) and listening to this cd i made compiled of different love songs. i always forget i included this song on it that is probably one of my favorite songs. i'd like to share it with you.

"True Love Waits" by Radiohead

to look at the lyrics go here:

http://www.greenplastic.com/lyrics/truelovewaits.php

what a joke

2009-05-12T08:15:00.000-07:00

i went to my job interview yesterday.

i had a nice summery shirt on with a lightweight short sleeve sweater over it and i wore khakis, and let me just tell you, i NEVER wear khakis unless i have to. i have nothing against khakis, they're cute on other people, i just don't like them on me. maybe because the dress code i had in middle school required us to wear khakis? perhaps. anyway, i felt confident about getting this job, especially because i had this interview...

um. NO.

i walked in and there were about thirty other people in the room waiting and filling out paperwork. so i got my clipboard and started filling out my paper that would sell me into this 3 hour waste of time. we were taken back 2 at a time, asked a couple questions about our experience with people and brought back into the room to wait more.

once all the people had gone back, the woman in charge came out and showed us a demonstration of how to use the product we would be selling. she told us we would be able to make our own schedule, get paid 13 dollars an hour, etc-stuff that sounded amaaazing UNTIL

she told us we would have to

BUY the product

before we'd start selling.

and let me tell you, it was a pretty penny. not the kind of money you keep in your back pocket or wallet.

many people left after that, but i stayed unfortunately thinking i could maybe work out a deal with her.

NO.

no deal.

still jobless.

i left with my khakis, wishing i would have rebelled and worn jeans.

"You are not your job, you're not how much money you have in the bank, you're not the car you drive, you're not the contents of your wallet, you are not your khakis..." -Fightclub

sometimes you just can't know how much someone means to you.

2009-05-11T10:40:00.000-07:00

(inspired from carole king's "you've got a friend")

"she'll come runnin' "

sometimes she musters

up the courage to

swallow what eats her

alive.

on other occasions, she

spits it out and

embraces what is

there.

it can be

easy she knows, but

she asks questions

often.

she knows if anything

were to separate the

two beings, the glass would

shatter and the castle could

crumble.

uno, dos, tres anos have been

theirs. time may have them

traveling in different

directions, one towards the

moon, the other to the

sun.

at midday they meet and come

alive. they run the same route and

teach one another to

fly forgetting about what the ticking

clock may have for

them.

"you look pretty in your dress,"

he says.

she smiles and rests her head on his

shoulder.

maybe he'll change his

mind and stay for

awhile.

happy mothers day

2009-05-10T18:23:00.000-07:00

happy mothers day to all you moms and a special one to my wonderful mother. love you mama :)

i'm gonna make this short, but

is it just me...? or...is everyone on the planet getting engaged/married?! every time i turn around, someone else is.

ooooohmygoodness!!

2009-05-09T14:58:00.000-07:00

i'm sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo excited!!

i've had a good day. did the yard sale thing earlier, made some money but not as much as i would've liked. it's better than nothing though, right?

i was completely exhausted so i took a wee little nap when my mom and i got home.

i looked over my sister's friend's research paper she wrote for Grapes of Wrath (my sister and her friends get me to look at their english when i come home since i'm an english major and all, i actually like doing it hehe)

i went to the library and checked out On the Road. i've actually never read it, i know, surprising. i've wanted to read it for a year, but with school, i've no time.

after i left the library, two exciting things about my day occured.

i was downtown in morristown, and to my surprise i found that the antique store i used to go in in high school has been reopened!

yay! :)

it had been closed for about a year.

first exciting thing, but not the most exciting :)

so of course i had to go in. i was looking around wondering if they still had the old albums that i used to search through to try and find a treasure when i looked up and saw some albums displayed:

Foreigner

Chicago

Led Zeppelin II

there were others, but i can't even remember them because i was sooooo excited about the Led Zeppelin one. ohmy goodness.

fact about me: i love classic rock, especially Led Zeppelin, so this was a gem to find.

i didn't expect to buy anything in there, but i couldn't resist. it was just three dollars :)

i'm gonna go enjoy some "whole lotta love" now :)

oh happy day.

2009-05-08T18:41:00.000-07:00

this morning my wonderful mother and i went to workout...suffice it to say, i have not touched a treadmill or anything of the like in about 3 months. i was very happy with my 2 miles i walked today :)

i picked up my little sister Rosie from school today, she's in 2nd grade. how i wish i could freeze time with where she's at now. of course i look forward to the years ahead, but the time she has now is precious, and she has such an abundant joy and exuberance for life; it's intoxicating. she makes me happy; i feel a little motherly towards her, we have a pretty big gap in our ages.

having a yard sale tomorrow with my mom and her friend. ohmygoodness. her friend has this amazing refrigerator circa 1948 that i wish with all my heart i could have. also, she is selling this awesome polaroid camera and green trunk. if i had the money and room for these things, i would buy them in a heartbeat. as i've mentioned before, i love antiques/vintage.

I was driving around on some back roads today, i love doing that here. east tennessee is honestly one of the most beautiful places on earth. i wish i could take it all in at once, but it's impossible because there is so much beauty to behold. i love being back home :)

exciting news: i have a job interview monday, so wish me luck!!

p.s. i'm so excited about my new followers; they are amazing, definitely check them out on my followers post on my page.

a poem i wrote one year ago; i feel completely different now about what i was writing about, good thing too :)

"Untold Truth, Told Lies"

"I should've seen it coming despite

what was written there. The words

jumbled together to form

a pretense while I

read them all as if that was

what was supposed to be. Perhaps

it was for the time being. Now

they mock me as I decipher between

the lines. Back and forth I

scan for a sign but

all I see is truth and the way

they left me all behind."

Ode to Summer

2009-05-07T20:41:00.000-07:00

below is one of the buildings in downtown at home..i love it, especially the unique overhead sidewalk
to the right: panther creek park: beautiful, love this park

"Ode to Summer (2009)"

April 23^rd-day of freedom with

The sun beaming down; and the crystals

Hiding behind the clouds. I was still

Trapped inside the bubble though. This time around

The previous year, I was flying, but my feet were

Flat on the ground that day. I was satisfied, but

Satisfaction can only get you so far.

I was a mess. I drowned in the nervous tension

Around me, and anxiety ate me alive. I’ve always been

A dreamer, but my dreams were covered by the mass

Of angst I was under. Days piling on top of one another,

No time, no time, no time. Would I ever come out of

This alright?

May 7^th-relief at last. I stepped out of the world I

Inhibited and drove to a place I call home. I was

Greeting strangers, so happy was I, so fulfilled.

Seeing the rainbow from amidst the clouds and drizzle

Of rain that now fell from the sky rather than

My eyes. I’m falling in love again with the sun and sky

Around me. This time around, it will be all worthwhile.

fortune cookie

2009-05-07T18:56:00.000-07:00

a fact about me: i collect the fortunes from fortune cookies; i don't rely on them, they're just fun ya know? that's the best part about going to eat chinese :)

here are five I'd like to share:

this one is funny: "Emotions can be sweet and sour, so can your meal."

"Good health will be yours for a long time."

the next three i got at different times, but they're kinda similar:

"Someone you care about seeks reconciliation."

"The one you love is closer than you think."

"Your dearest wish will come true."

hm. interesting.

today felt more like summer to me than the past 2 days; a big part of the reason for that is because i came home today! surprised my mom too, i think she was happy :)

i'm listening to Coldplay's Viva La Vida album, and it reminds me of last summer (2008) so much, gosh i wore that cd out then!

it was probably the best summer i've had, and i'm counting on this summer to be just as memorable :) it's my favorite season of all time :)

i will leave you with what i believe to be one of the best summer songs off of that album + the lyrics: "strawberry swing"

They were sitting
They were sitting in the strawberry swing
Every moment was so precious

They were sitting
They were talking in the strawberry swing
Everybody was for fighting
Wouldn't wanna waste a thing

Cold, cold water
Bring me round
Now my feet won't touch the ground
Cold, cold water
What ya say?
It's such
It's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day

I remember
We were walking up to strawberry swing
I can't wait 'til the morning
Wouldn't wanna change a thing

People moving all the time
Inside a perfectly straight line
Don't you wanna just curve away
When it's such
When it's such a perfect day
It's such a perfect day
ahh...

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

Now the sky could be blue
Could be grey
Without you I'm just miles away

Now the sky could be blue
I don't mind
Without you it's a waste of time

hello dearies, it's been awhile...

2009-05-06T15:12:00.001-07:00

I have officially completed school for the year as of today at 11:55 a.m.

i'm now enjoying the last little bit of my cheesecake; yes, it's almost gone. with the help of some of my wonderful friends (i couldn't eat it all by myself), we devoured it in less than a week. hehe hey, you know stressed spelled backwards is desserts and i have definitely been stressed so why not? ;)

i've missed blogging the past few days. i just haven't had the time, but now i will be keeping up with my blog a lot more :) yay!

BUENOS NOCHES oh and happy cinco de mayo ayer! <3

little blue baby.

2009-05-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

The drums beat, slow and steady, slow and

steady, the music picks up the pace, and we

all bob our heads. It’s our favorite

song. In our minds we are acting out what

it makes us feel. “Don’t you worry,”

says my face but inside my head is

a different scene.

This is the song I hear when

I pass that little blue baby every day.

I’m lucky the speed limit is only 15 ‘cause

my eyes are glued to the rearview

mirror. If it was even 20, I’d fear for my

life.

I face the road daydreaming as night covers

the sky with it’s blanket and fog creeps up on

its back. “Don’t let ya spirits get ya down,” I remember

someone once advising. That little blue baby is

exactly where I first saw it in its predictable state. I imagine

if I got in it, my hair would blow in the wind if

the speed was right.

Paint peels on its side, the only downfall.

Touch that up, will do. We always think we can

make things better that way but it covers what will

appear again. Putting on the blinders and acting like it’s

okay when all along you just want to see.

I turn the volume up; my eyes and thoughts turn

to see what’s next on the road. I bob my head, look

in the rearview mirror one last time, for

memory’s sake, and pull out of the dusty trail. Maybe

that little blue baby will shine again one day and with

the right speed, my hair will blow in the wind.

*******************************************************************************

I need a job for the summer...any ideas?

have a good Sunday, buenos tardes :)

ADPi step show winners

2009-05-02T15:01:00.000-07:00

these are girls in my sorority alpha delta pi, watch this video. it's awesome.

28 random things about me

2009-05-02T13:55:00.000-07:00

1. I'm addicted to diet coke
2. I laugh at pretty much anything remotely funny
3. I love roses but I like wildflowers best
4. I sleep with a down comforter, it's so comfortable
5. I like soy milk, not regular milk, but I don't like soy milk in my cereal
6. I was kind of a hippie in high school, still comes out occasionally :)
7. I want to have a library of books I've accumulated over the years
8. I lived in Mississippi the first eight years of my life
9. I want to write a book one day
10. I'm not sure where exactly I will live after I graduate
11. my roommate is my best friend
12. I like going in thrift stores
13. I have kept my American Lit and British Lit Anthologies (they are HUGE, over 2,000 pages) because I still want to read some of what we didn't cover in my classes...I'm a nerd that way ;)
14. my favorite coffee shop is cafe coco, you should go, it's in Nashville
15. I love sunsets
16. I really really like bread, pretty much any kind
17. summer is my favorite season, always has been
18. my hair on my head has been shaved completely off twice, not by choice
19. I have to wash my hands before I eat, kinda OCD about washing my hands
20. I like going to concerts a lot, been going to them since I was a wee little girl
21. I used to take ballet when I was little, I still love it, my favorite is the Nutcracker
22. When I lived in Mississippi, my neighbor was one of my best friends-Ryan, we would catch frogs together and make clubhouses
23. I am super close with my family
24. my friends and family make fun of me for saying/doing things without thinking haha (all in good fun)

25. I am super sentimental about most things, but I've learned that you can't go in for a life without change

26. I'm a horrible procrastinator

27. I don't like driving on interstates; I'd rather drive through a town even if it takes longer to get where I'm going

28. you could say music is my first love.

(photo from http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3205/2720775594_f02594df89.jpg)

cheeeeeesecake!

2009-05-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

eating my cheesecake.

i don't think i've ever mentioned my obsession with diet coke. that's what i'm chugging down here after the bite :)

thank you so much mimi and grandy (my grandparents) for my surprise cheesecake!!! it is so good :)

i'm pretty sure i'm gonna eat it for dinner tonight ;) why not? it's friday, i think i should treat myself.

i took my folklore final last night, and let's just say by the time i had finished writing the essays, i felt like my hand was about to fall off. it was throbbing pretty bad.

today was my last day of class, now i just have finals. i'm happy about that and sad about that. it's a weird feeling. i like a routine, and so when it changes i feel a little out of whack before i set my feet into something else. as much as i like being spontaneous and doing things out of the blue, i count on a schedule as well. this is good and bad i think.

for now, i'm just gonna put my feet up, try not to stress about studying and enjoy my delicious dessert :)

buenos tardes

a list of memories

2009-04-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

i decided to compile a list of favorite things i've done from this school year (september 2008-may 2009). yes, the year hasn't finished YET but it will SOON.

1. getting my new apartment and living with one of my very best friends Abby

2. buying decorations

3. attempting to cook

4. my poetry and creative writing classes

5. learning lessons outside of school

6. becoming better friends with a few people

7. studying for finals before Christmas break at my apartment with Tisha and Liz and staying up all night

8. making rice krispy treats. once on the stove with Tisha and once in the microwave with Liz because it was late and we were too lazy :)

9. having my own little home

10. the geranium my little sister Rosie gave Abby and me for our apartment that is perched on the windowsill. we water it every day :)

11. playing catch phrase and corn hole (a new favorite)

12. mine and abby's DANCE PARTIES we have when we get stressed. here is a sample of what we dance to: electric feel-MGMT, music is my boyfriend-CSS, paper plains-MIA, untouched-The Veronicas, upbeat things like this. if you have any suggestions for more fun music let me know :)

13. poems and short stories i've written while being happy, sad, confused, overjoyed

14. my birthday cake candle in my room. it smells JUST like birthday cake. yum.

15. long talks with my friends

16. the lights strung around my window

17. spankies and crawdaddies with my friends

18. POETS coffee shop and the fact that they now have bands playing there plus awesome coffee and neat atmosphere

19. the backdoor playhouse on campus

20. going to the 24 hour restaurant or rather "hole in the wall" Cosmos for 25 cent wings on wednesdays and also just going late at night

21. trip to the beach for spring break with Liz and her mom-so relaxing and beautiful everyday

22. driving around getting my frustration out

23. driving to and from school or anywhere with music pouring from the speakers. my cd player included: copeland, death cab for cutie, coldplay, ryan adams, damien rice, raising sand (alison krauss and robert plant's cd), a collection of cds i made: country favorites, upbeat pop songs, songs i remember from high school

24. going to friends' houses/apartments for get togethers and to hang out

25. the opossum i saw under my neighbors car. it stared straight back at me and didn't move.

26. learning more about writers

27. using Abby's GPS to find a restaurant we'd never been to before in Cookeville and eventually ending up at the Olive Garden :) we didn't achieve our goal, but it was good nonetheless

28. cinco de mayo is better than el tapatio en mi opinion

29. having good, exciting food to eat in the 'fridge

30. the antique store i found downtown

31. slumber parties with friends

32. eating easter candy my mother supplied me with while watching movies and being lazy

33. realizing that i would indeed survive coming back to college and cookeville after Christmas break

34. driving past places of special significance to me and driving around campus to take in the sights, sounds and feelings around me

35. the bitter cold and wind walking to and from class

36. my sorority and going inactive, yet keeping the friends i made in it. i miss it sometimes.

37. going to blowing rock over Christmas break

38. exciting texts

39. making this blog :)

40. getting a new phone

41. buying mucho cheap clothes from jimmy'z in morristown over the break since it was closing :(

42. asking myself "why" "how" "when" "where" but especially "why" over and over and over again

43. going to Window on the World with Caroline and regaining my desire to travel and explore the world

44. splurging on a dress in JonGee's :)

45. my roommate from freshman year, Emily, coming to visit in the fall

46. numerous trips to taco bell late at night

47. having friends over

48. REDBOX is a gold mine for the poor college student :)

49. meeting new and interesting people

50. overcoming times of struggle

51. being extremely happy and satisfied

52. having interesting neighbors

53. sitting on a blanket in the quad at school while doing homework

54. going to Cardin's on the way home and getting a peanut butter and chocolate milkshake hm..i want one now.

55. receiving a call from someone very special to me

56. Vindication of the Rights of Women by Mary Wollstonecraft

57. reading Jane Eyre for the third time

58. watching The Strangers and not being too afraid. watching Changeling and being scared out of my mind

59. dinner with the Walls

60. facebook and getting distracted by it while i should be studying. now i'm dostracted more by my blog :)

61. the cookeville public library

62. all of these memories are special to me and i will be adding more, i'm sure. the truth is, if it hadn't been for my wonderful friends, half of these memories wouldn't exist. so thank you and i love you all tremendously.

buenos noches dearies :)

haha

2009-04-29T21:56:00.001-07:00

on warm sunny days, i park at a distance

2009-04-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/47/142520383_8521314277.jpg i can't help but be grateful for the warm, sunny days that have arrived on my front doorstep the past few days. on days like today i decide to park a little farther away at school so i can embrace the feeling days like this bring me as i walk to class.

i have lots to say, so bear with me, and i may leave something out at that...

i am finished with my spanish oral exam, therefore much stress has been lifted off of my shoulders. now to get through the actual exam a week from now...

i went to the library last night, and as i was studying my spanish on a bench outside and trying to take in all of the last of sunlight, a friend walked up to greet me. we had poetry together last semester, and i don't see her as much anymore. i must say that we are not very close, but she is one of the sweetest girls i've ever met and always full of compliments. we greeted each other as usual. i was clad in a bright t-shirt and blue cheerleading shorts with my natural face on (no makeup). i complimented the girl on her outfit saying "you look cute!" to which she immediately responded, "well, thanks. you do too, you're just the cutest thing and so beautiful." it made me feel so good!

things people say can either break you or piece back together something that may have been lost.

i am loving all of these blogs that i have found. yesterday, i'm a bit embarassed to say that i spent a good portion of the day admiring all of them, and i added quite a few, so check them out!

i'm majoring in english as most of you know. i love it, however, i have had a yearning to do journalism. yes, they are somewhat connected, and i'm not changing my major since i'm a junior. but i'm thinking about getting my masters in journalism. what do you think? my intentions for english were to get my masters and maybe PhD and be an english professor. but i hate public speaking. i think i'm much better at writing and getting my point accross than i am in speaking. plus, it's a passion i have always had. i can remember back to when i was 9 years old and writing stories. i have always been fascinated with writing and reading.

someday, i want to write an autobiography. there are things in my life that i'd love to share, things that i have gone through and things that are happening now. things i have overcome, sorrows, joys, pain and hope all my life. i'm not looking to gain any fame, if i do this one day. i just really think it's something i should do. maybe one day. food for thought.

these words came to me earlier as i got to my apartment. obviously, it can be connected to a semester ending. "let's come together now and celebrate the end of an era, the end of a season. the people we pass we may never touch again, but let's celebrate while the time is upon us and connect with the people that have embraced our hearts. and let's celebrate the future and the times and people we have yet to celebrate with" maybe a bit cheesy but it's the way i feel :)

have a wonderful day; i'm going out to enjoy the sun because i parked at a distance :)

buenos tardes!

lines.

2009-04-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

photo taken by me in downtown Cookeville.

I thought I'd share a selection of my favorite writing. hope you enjoy :)

"I wish I was the wind, I'd touch your face" -Ryan Adams (his lyrics are beautiful. true, he does have some language in some of his songs, but so many of his words are beautiful)

"And we are put on earth a little space in time that we may learn to bear the beams of love" -William Blake

"The earth is warmer when you laugh" -Iron and Wine (good, mellow band)

"Hope is the thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune and never stops at all..." -Emily Dickinson

"Life provides more happiness than we know, we have to train ourselves to look for it" -Yiyun Li

"The hills were alive with wildflowers, and I was wild, even wilder than they. For at least I could run, they just died in the sun. And I refused to just wither in place" -Dolly Parton

"Learn to forgive yourself and to forgive others" -Mitch Album from Tuesdays with Morrie

++++

also, I'd like to thank everyone for reading and keeping up with blog. your words of encouragement and other comments brighten my day!

stuffing popcorn in my face.

2009-04-27T15:04:00.000-07:00

kettle corn that is :) my favorite.
school will be over this semester in 9 days.
the above statement brings mixed emotions
i hate public speaking. i've made speeches three times in the last week.

these few lines have been floating in my brain lately:

"like a flower we grow with comfort around us and wilt when that disappears and

we are out of darkness for the time being but night will fall again, so our

eyes will be shut to all that remains."

go sit outside and enjoy the sun.

buenos tardes :)

poem inspired from a song

2009-04-25T17:08:00.000-07:00

this picture is of the quad at Tech. it was beautiful, i couldn't resist taking a pic of it yesterday.

this poem was inspired by this song

"Fearless Energy"

You’re creeping in unnoticed,

Like an animal searching for its prey,

Only this time it’s me you’re after.

I am not afraid, I’ve wanted this forever, but

I hid the hope inside of me for so long,

I didn’t even realize I could consider it again.

I glide on fearful steps of what may arrive

because of things left undone.

I shut my eyes, fearing what tomorrow could bring and

I glance towards you, timid and afraid.

All of the sudden a burst of energy comes my way.

I let myself feel again, and the wind

carries your thoughts to my own.

I’m letting these thoughts grow with

the comfort around us, I won’t let it wilt

because it hasn’t disappeared.

Night did fall, and we were blind

because of our own insecurities.

Now, the dust has been cleaned

from those years.

The sunrise brims over

the mountain. Time is now

in sync with us together.

It’s been years, but never has this hope

burned more brightly, nor has it been

burned out of my mind.

I'm back, for now

2009-04-23T22:34:00.000-07:00

first of all, let me say, "No me gusta espanol!!" okay and now let me take that big and rephrase. i do like spanish, in fact i love spanish, I wish I had more time to learn it, but the fact is, i don't. it is not my major, and i wish i could learn it just for me and not because i have to because it is in my curriculum (which doesn't make a bit of sense to me). i spend more time trying to learn spanish than in my classes for my major. and that frustrates me! thus, i have had no life. this has been the schedule for about the last two weeks: sleep, eat, study, repeat. exciting, huh? i wish there was more time to enjoy the days, but soon i'll be out so i can soak it up soon :) and now, a new poem for you. hope you enjoy :)

"Sister"

The tint of our blood runs along the same lines

yet where I see blue, you turn and run a mile.

You chase after the reds and greens and leave others behind;

I stay while you run and ask myself, “am I a thorn in your side?”

We have different shades, different colors. Perhaps we are now

strangers divided by passing time. I grab the towel

and try to wipe the mess away, and go for a new start,

but too many days have gone by and we have forgotten our part.

The faded photographs hang on my wall. In those pictures, we will continue

being young. Our colors blended together, the red, green, blue.

I see you now and wonder what goes on in your mind,

I will walk; you decide to run. I seek, and you will find.

this is my plan

2009-04-19T00:43:00.000-07:00

it is now 2:45 a.m. i just finished my paper for british lit and am now ready for bed. this is my plan now: http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=sleep the first one pretty much sums it up :) goodnight dearies :)

wild flowers are my favorite

2009-04-17T23:37:00.000-07:00

i had a nice evening tonight. after quite an eventful week, it was nice to relax with a movie, left over Easter candy :) and some friends, caroline and hillary. we watched Secret Window. http://www.imdb.com/video/screenplay/vi1945436953/

it was really good, and did not scare me like i thought it might(i get scared way too easily), it's only suspenseful.

my friends dean and abby and i each took a turn reading from the new Ryan Adams poetry book later on in the evening, which might i add is brilliant and i want to purchase it as soon as i can. i wanted to share a poem from it but i don't think it's available online, or i couldn't find it. it's called "Lighthouse." poetry really excites me, i would probably be a "starving artist" if it weren't for my abundant appetite. :)

i have yet to get started reading the Allen Ginsburg poetry book i bought for 5 dollars about a month ago :( no time...hopefully soon though.

i don't believe i'm going to post my latest marianne moore imitation, i'm not too satisfied with it, maybe with time, it'll grow on me.

on that note, i'm going to take my pen in hand or maybe spend some more time with Jane, i haven't finished yet.

here's to the end of a goodnight dearies :)

summer fever

2009-04-14T13:35:00.000-07:00

hmm...things to look forward to this summer

1. family/and old friends/being home for a little while

2. having time to read what i want :)

3. WARM weather

4. my apartment, friends here

5. the lake...possibly?

6. sundown in the city

7. no school for a little while, just learning what I wish to learn :)

8. a new summer cd (I have made a cd for every summer since i've been in college)

9. dresses

10. sunshine

There are more reasons, those are just a few.

something i've thought about lately is how sometimes when i'm going through something or having a "season of sorrow," when i come out of it, i have become stronger yes. but something else too. those glimpses of hope and peace and laughter from friends or just myself that i am able to grasp during those times are so evident and mean so much. during those times, i always grow and learn something about myself that i might not have had had before. last summer i took a trip to barbados with my family and brought along one of my best friends, abby. the people in barbados are extremely laid back; they aren't afraid to come talk to you. this kind of personality the natives had i wasn't familiar with, but they had a "no worries, every little thing is gon' be alright" kind of attitude that was just intoxicating to me. i wish i could be more like that. during that season, i was trying to overcome some hard situations in my life. i had my friends and family, work and school to occupy some of that time. but i have learned that though times in our lives may be hard and sometimes you think you won't ever be able to survive, "every litle thing will be alright." i believe we are never given more than we can handle. some things you can get over, some will always stay with you, but going through these times always makes you stronger in the end. i thought last summer was one of the worst in my life, but now, looking back on it, it was probably the best. I find myself wishing i could have it back. but for now, i'm longing for summer 2009. it's going to be wonderful dearies :)

back in cookeville

2009-04-12T21:18:00.000-07:00

drove back to cookeville tonight after a lovely weekend at home for Easter. i've been wanting to redecorate my room lately...maybe because I spend too much time in there doing homework and it gets old looking at the same ol' thing? perhaps.

i found my radiohead poster :) hung it up on my door. the coldplay one went in the downstairs bathroom.

anyway, i started writing another marianne moore poem imitation tonight...needs some work, but i should have it up here soon. i actually do like her writing style, it's frustrating at first, but most things are at the beginning. :) it's grown on me.

currently, i've been reading Jane Eyre, and yes, for the third time, but not by choice! i've had to read it for class. this is my favorite time reading it. it's become one of my favorite books, andso i'll close on that note so i can continue with Jane. goodnight dearies :)

rebel, rebel

2009-04-11T19:17:00.000-07:00

found this pic in the archives...

mine and Hayley's "tattoos" from Easter 2008...classy, I know ;) Happy Easter dearies :)

"She"

2009-04-06T17:27:00.000-07:00

Hello lovelies, I have a new poem for you :)

"She"

She stumbled into the room

dropping her luggage and

in search of answers.

She only recalled him climbing up the steps

to her heart.

Months passed since that night,

the bandage was put on neatly until--

she looked up and it ripped

across her skin.

The scarlet red was still apparent,

even if he did not know.

He was blind to her,

but as he walked out the door he gave her

a grin.

I watched this transpire;

the shadows replayed

against my mind that night.

I could take a guess at the things unmentioned.

Sipping coffee later,

hr hands were satisfied grasping the mug.

She looked up and smiled

as I passed by.

a couple poems I've recently written

2009-04-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

"Searching out of Darkness"

He sits in the brown, worn chair sipping tea.

It’s always half empty--

the waitress can never refill it, and he

perches where the view is darkness.

She walks in the door, greeting strangers.

Spilling the juice handed her, she laughs

she leaves admirers in her shadow

if she knew that,

it would grieve her.

He glances at the woman,

a grimace in place

and she catches his eye

no one begs her to smile.

Neither knows what they are capable of.

If he could open his eyes,

turn around for a little while

maybe he could see

why the world looks better

out of darkness.

She takes careful, yet brave steps

to the door as she leaves

for a place he is a stranger to.

Her friends beckon her on.

He remains, mute and

with skin turning down

in a critical stare.

To the onlooker, he cares not to save

yet unknowingly, he tortures.

His mind is in a state of unawareness;

hers absorbs all she can take in.

He shuts his eyes, and

she peers in the window, searching.

"Tomorrow"

As soon as this time will transpire, I will race for the door.

I am tired, yet willing and waiting.

My mind is running a mile a minute, “shall I stay or

should I go?”

I’m always asking the same questions, it never changes.

Like a clock, our words have been ticking as time travels by.

I try telling myself it will be alright in the end, but

tonight I feel a rush of adrenaline,

only I had done zilch, zero strenuous labor.

This rush is coming from the repeated rhythm of words

in my head that I beckon my mouth to speak.

I beg myself not to say anything though, in fear of the blurred future.

I grab onto the door handle and make my exit, trying

to shut all the talk out. I am a mix of emotions.

Maybe

if I turn the other way, you won’t notice, and so

I take my leave of absence telling myself tomorrow

I will be brave enough to admit all of this to you.

Tomorrow has yet to arrive, and I’ve tallied up the days

since we have last talked. I don’t desire to feel as I do.

It caught me off guard, but I’m sinking into this sense

of feeling as the days pass by. I count on it now.

Tomorrow I will face you and focus on the words that have

been hiding inside of me for longer than I imagined.

written may 2007

2009-02-14T19:57:00.000-08:00

Paint it all black because I can’t even see it anymore.

The colors that have been etched through time continually fade, but we grab onto its everlasting threads.

What I can’t comprehend is still there; I’m just afraid to glance it.

You over there, what’s life handed you?

Is it merely the crumbs you beg for?

I’m tired of all the hassle that brings me down.

I hope you interrupt my speech with pleasant words of love and affirmation.

What a welcome surprise. I assumed it was to be muted tones for awhile.

You give the overture the name of a new beginning

While the colors are beginning to turn.

You. Me. Standing here in the brisk sunlight.

And I ask you.

Can you comprehend?

short story

2009-02-14T19:29:00.000-08:00

I wrote this for my creative writing class...we had to write something that had symbolism and metaphors, see if you can pick them out :)

"A Face with No Name"

The glass of red wine was sitting on the table as he ventured out of her house. She picked it up and hurled it at him but it only reached the slammed door. The juice dripped down, leaving the room with a strong, odorous scent that smelled of death and memories that had just been washed down the drain.

It started out much differently. Among the crowds of a party, they found each other and immediately fell into easy conversation. He wore a black shirt, and immediately she complimented him on it, telling him it brought out his eyes. She found out they had some of the same interests; he was different from any other guy. Only did she discover much later that that very difference would be the driving force to separate them. Looking back, she could see how easily she fell into his hands, like putty. He would come over to her place to watch movies, talk and have coffee and cigarettes. He took her out to the nice restaurants in town, and she felt lucky that she had found someone so intriguing, but it didn’t take her long to look past the façade to see who he really was. She tried to ignore it though, but in the end, she knew she had seen it all along. He was selfish and cold-hearted, only having his interests at heart and never thinking of her except when it was convenient for him.

It was a dark and cold Friday night when the fires started. That day he informed her that he had lost his job. She told her best friends what had happened, and they were sorry, but the funny thing was that he was filled with hurtful words and sarcasm at every thing she said to try to comfort him. Joyce, Beth and Lynn had told her from the start to watch out for him. They had seen how he was and so had she, but being the nice girl that she was, she let him walk all over her. With her friends’ advisement, she ended things that very night.

Earlier on the same night, she got a call from her friend Jack, “Hey, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party, and I can’t drive back home.”

“Sure, give me five,” she told him. Beth rode with her to pick him up, and as soon as she got in her car, she glanced at her cell phone seeing that she had a few text messages from the guy she was dating telling her that this was BS and demanding that she forgive him for the way he had treated her that day.

She responded, “I don’t really want to talk right now, you really upset me today,” and drove off setting her phone back in her white purse. She and Beth had begun conversing over different things when she received another text.

“I had a horrible day, and if your skins not thick enough to take today then we need to go ahead and finish this. I could have been a lot worse, and I’m moving back home anyway,” the text read.

Frustration filled her and tears sprung to her eyes immediately after she read this, and at once, she dialed his number to convey her feelings only to receive his answering machine. What a joke, she thought texting him back.

“I’m not the one with skin not thick enough, but thank you for enlightening me enough to know that I do not deserve this. I really thought you were different.”

“Don’t act like you’ve had some kind of epiphany when you’ve known all along how I am,” he furiously responded.

She felt dumb getting herself into this catastrophe when she had known he had anger problems from the beginning. Even still, no one deserved to be treated in such a manner. She meekly responded, “Good luck moving back home, I guess things aren’t going to work out.”

He quickly replied, “It was your choice. So. Goodbye Hannah.”

She pulled into an empty parking lot where she instantly began sobbing while having Beth beside her to try to put the pieces back together.

“He was a jerk anyway, he will never be happy as long as he treats others this way,” Beth comforted.

“You’re right Beth. I was stupid to get myself into this mess. Why do I always do this?”

She lit a cigarette, and after a few seconds she put her car in reverse and drove off to pick up Jack. She wondered how and why this had happened to her. Nevertheless, she was already feeling exuberant at the thought that he couldn’t drag her down anymore.

A few minutes later, after having picked up Jack and taking him home, she stepped out of her vehicle and into her house with Beth behind her. She was feeling exhausted, having known that this was one of the best and worst days of her life. One of the best because she felt full of life again already without having to worry about the next hurtful thing he would do. She poured Beth and herself a glass of red wine, and they clinked the glasses together to cheer the hour.

“I just want to forget about this whole mess and start over, Beth. Who was I to believe I could change him? He knows how he is. I’m just glad I never have to see him again.”

At that very moment, the doorbell rang.

She and Beth looked at each other in astonishment, both thinking the worst.

“I’ll get it,” Beth offered.

She tiptoed to the door, glass of wine in hand while looking back at Hannah every so often. Hannah lit another cigarette; she often smoked when she was stressed. Much to their dismay, upon opening the door, he stood in the doorway; hair disheveled with the same black shirt on he had worn the first day they met.

“Hannah,” he started walking towards her, “Let me explain…” he didn’t get to finish.

The moment he began walking towards her, she held her hand out in a motion that told him to stop what he was doing.

“Please listen Babe, I’m sorry, you know how I can get.”

“It’s happened one too many times,” she told him. “From that first day, I could tell something was different, but I ignored my intuition and instead I followed you around like a stupid fool for over a year, and this is how you treat me? No, I don’t think so, I’ve had enough.”

They argued back and forth for awhile; Beth had gone into another room where they could have privacy.

“I want you to leave,” she told him firmly and assuredly, pointing to the door.

“Fine, no skin off my back Honey,” he confidently told her. He slammed the door, and moments later, she had red wine dripping down her white door. She took one last puff of her cigarette and burned it out as if it were that simple.

"Dream" fall 2007

2009-02-14T19:25:00.000-08:00

You came back today, entered our lives just like you would have every day for the past twelve years. We were all confused but asked no questions for fear that you would leave again. I placed your hand in mine, and you smiled. All day I wondered who granted my wish for you to return. I thought it was impossible.

We journeyed to the places I now know as familiar. You were blind to them, but I hoped you would see them as what they were. After twelve years things change dramatically if you have no presence in the here and now of someone’s life. I refused to let go of your hand or let you out of my sight.

“We made a movie in memory of you,” I told him as we strolled the downtown streets. He didn’t say a word the whole time. I supposed he was just happy to be back with me and the rest of us. Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew that he couldn’t stay for very long. I was right about that because…

Then I woke up.

poem

2008-11-24T11:17:00.000-08:00

another imitation of a poet

"Caged Nightmare"

I felt it pulsing through my veins like a caged nightmare
and the rest of them were starving for more,
dragging themselves up from the muck
they believed themselves to be in,
high class and in the fashionable crowd
now they are satisfied,
whom do they owe this honor to
they wonder if the gods are that kind,
where do they go from here
now that they've reached their destiny,
where should they toss their baggage
that they have`each so graciously accepted,
where`can they get their fix of alcohol
now that they seem to be settled,
where can they go now that they
have stopped begging for more,
where`can they gather each other to begin
searching for ways to get out again,
maybe they will once again reach a destination
or for times' sake maybe not,
they have killed the satisfaction through the something
they thought they had found.

E.E. Cummings Imitation

2008-10-05T20:00:00.001-07:00

[december]

december please
please
don’t show your face
august
you were supposed to be
my salvation
now I’m counting on you
september,
hoping,waiting,wishing
doubting
heartache, heart break
I’m not ready for you yet
can we call a truce?
it’s all been buried
alive
what a concept
these months I look
expecting to see you there
but ,wait
it is only thin air.

"Stagnant Reality"

2008-10-03T19:07:00.000-07:00

A muted presence they have.

When whispers arise--

a blind eye is turned and--

frustrated stares are all that are earned

as heavy footsteps are heard walking away.

Puddles that were created in her eyes

are hidden in a corner.

She tries to reach out after many failed attempts.

Heaven only knows how she handles this.

new poem

2008-10-03T18:57:00.000-07:00

I wrote this for my poetry class. It is a Marianne Moore imitation. Enjoy :)

wait

for that slug that crawls through life.

Steady as it goes, yet barely moving;

all the while contemplating what is to come

you

endure there and remain mute

timid of the years to come, it is true;

time stands still for no one, it is contagious

the

sun rises and falls back down

oblivious as to what goes on 'neath

the sky. This is given as a warning you

creatures

of the earth stop, look, listen.

The fields of green and stars in the night sky

keep with the rhythm of life, you must abide.

2008-08-24T11:51:00.000-07:00

"Appetite"

2008-08-09T18:31:00.000-07:00

Okay, this wasn't written by me, but I think it's really insightful and just a good way to look at life. Enjoy :)

"Appetite"

One of the major pleasures in life is appetite and one of our major duties should be to preserve it. Appetite is the keenness of living; it is one of the sense that tells you that you are still curious to exist, that you still have an edge on your longings and want to bite into the world and taste its multitudinous flavors and juices.

By appetite, of course, I don’t mean just the lust for food, but any condition of unsatisfied desire, any burning in the blood that proves you want more than you’ve got, and that you haven’t yet used up your life. Wilde said he felt sorry for those who never got their heart’s desire, but sorrier still for those who did. I got mine once only, and it nearly killed me, and I’ve always preferred wanting to having since.

For appetite, to me, is that state of wanting, which keeps one’s expectations alive. I remember learning this lesson long ago as a child, when treats were few, and when I discovered that the greatest pitch of happiness was not in actually eating a toffee but in gazing at it beforehand. True, the bite was delicious, but once the toffee was gone one was left with nothing, neither toffee nor lust. Besides, the whole toffeeness of toffees was imperceptibly diminished by the gross act of having eaten it. No, the best was in wanting it, in sitting and looking at it, when one tasted an inexhaustible treasure-house of flavors.

So, for me, one of the keenest pleasures of appetite remains in the wanting, not the satisfaction. In wanting a peach, or a whiskey, or a particular texture, or sound or to be with a particular friend. For in this condition, of course, I know that the object of desire is always at its most flawlessly perfect. Which is why I would carry the preservation of appetite to the extent of deliberate fasting, simply because I think that appetite is too good to lose, too precious to be bludgeoned into insensibility by satiation and overdoing it.

For that matter, I don’t really want three square meals a day-I want one huge, delicious, table-groaning blow-out, say every four days, and then not be sure where the next one is coming from. A day of fasting is not for me just a puritanical device for denying oneself a pleasure, but rather a way of anticipating a rarer moment of supreme indulgence.

Fast is an act of homage to the majesty of appetite. So I think we should arrange to give up our pleasures regularly-our food, our friends, our lovers-in order to preserve their intensity, and the moment of coming back to them. For this is the moment that renews and refreshes both oneself and the thing one loves. Sailors and travelers enjoyed this once, and so did hunters, I suppose. Part of the weariness of modern life may be that we live too much on top of each other, and are entertained and fed too regularly. Once we were separated by both hunger from our food and families, and then we learned to value both. The men went off hunting, and the dogs went with them; the women and children waved goodbye. The cave was empty of men for days on end; nobody ate, or knew what to do. The women crouched by the fire, the wet smoke in their eyes; the children wailed; everybody was hungry. Then one night there were shouts, and roe barking of dogs from the hills, and the men came back loaded with meat. This was the great reunion and everybody gorged themselves silly, and appetite came into its own; the long-awaited meal became a feast to remember and an almost sacred celebration of life. Now we go off to the office and come home in the evenings to cheap chicken and frozen peas. Very nice, but too much of it, too easy and regular, served up without effort or wanting. We eat, we are lucky, our faces are shining with fat, but we don’t know the pleasure of being hungry any more.

Too much of anything-too much music, entertainment, happy snacks, or time spent with one’s friends, creates a kind of impotence of living by which one can no longer hear, or taste or see or love or remember. Life is short and precious and appetite is one of its guardians, and loss of appetite is a sort of death. So if we are to enjoy this short life we should respect the divinity of appetite, and keep it eager and not too much blunted.

It is a long time now since I knew that acute moment of bliss that comes from putting parched lips to a cup of cold water. The springs are still there to be enjoyed-all one needs is the original thirst.

a couple of my poems I've written this summer

2008-08-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't titled either of these poems, but if there's any confusion on where one ends and one begins, the first one ends right above the stars and the second one begins under them :) Enjoy

"I've reached into the clouds and gathered rain.

It's only normal, it's been days.

The weather is changing, I put on my coat of arms for protection against the bitter wind.

The pieces are coming out of place.

Tv dinners and indie films occupy the space and time.

Pictures gather dust as they hide in drawers left unopened,

And the coffee mug stains the dresser where it stays to be remembered.

The weather is changing, I put on my coat of arms for comfort against the bitter wind.

The pieces are coming out of place.

Petals are discarded 'round the table from that night.

I loved those flowers, but I wish they weren't given to me upon that hour,

And the songs we sang in front of the crowd are bittersweet now because...

The weather is changing now."

***********************************************************************************************************************************************

"I should've seen it coming

despite what was written there.

The words all jumbled together

to form a pretense.

I read them all

as if that was what was supposed to be.

Perhaps it was for the time being.

Now they mock me as I decipher between the lines.

Back and forth I scan for a sign

but all I see is truth

and the way they left me all behind."

back in the day

2008-08-07T19:07:00.001-07:00

Back when I was in middle school at Christmas, one of my grandfathers bought my sister and me a chest. Mine has been hiding in my closet from that day on. Through the years, I would put special mementos in it, but not until today have I opened it in about a year or two. There inside I found nestled my journal I wrote in during some of my last years at home in high school. It made me smile when I saw it, for it brought back a rush of good memories and it felt like a piece of me from long ago found again. I will share a poem or two from it with you.

-On Watching the Sunset on a Hilltop

"Atop a mountain, the sun sets alone.

Vivid clouds dance round it as darkness over takes the world.

Wisps of blue float out of nowhere into a world unknown to mankind.

The aura sweeps on a desert sky and earthly beings stand in awe

As hues of color disappear into the night sky,

Hiding their wings of beauty onto another day.

And a bird chases the sky until it vanishes on thin air."

"You inquire and I answer

I weep and you wonder.

My thoughts are none for what you believe.

They are for a space in time

Captured in the frozen expression of

Opinion."